Reasons to Avoid Dating a Drinker

This may seem like a no-brainer, but believe me, you, too, can be lured by the tragic beauty of a drinking man.

While out with friends this weekend, I ran into a guy with whom I had one date. The reason we dated only once was because he drank 6 beers to my 2 during a couple of hours, and our conversation gave me a pretty good idea of his regular drinking habits. Having been through the ringer with a heavy drinker, I saw the signs and ran like the wind. The two occasions I’ve encountered him since have served to reaffirm my decision. He was my single experiment with picking someone up in a bar. I will NEVER do that again.

Anyway, seeing him and remembering why I didn’t want to go past that first date inspired me to create a list of reasons why we should avoid dating drinkers, based on my first-hand knowledge.

1. He will endanger you physically and emotionally through his reckless disregard. Endangerment can come in the form of violence, but it can also be his drunken driving, his lack of self-control and hurtful words during your attempts to aid him, and enticing you to adopt his self-destructive lifestyle as your own.
   
2. Some of your most bonding moments will occur while he or both of you are drunk, rendering them almost completely worthless. The endearing words that you take to heart won’t be remembered by him the next day. A tally of all the tender moments occurring while under the influence will reveal that nearly the whole relationship is built upon alcohol.
   
3. His pattern of alcohol abuse includes denial, which you will be unable to derail. Even if he acknowledges a tendency toward drinking too heavily, he won’t consider it significant enough to address. His lack of accountability will extend beyond his drinking and into your relationship. He will miss appointments, overlook important events, and neglect your feelings, all with a plausible excuse … at least completely plausible to him. And any fault you find with something that occurred while he was drinking will fall under the “that doesn’t count – I was drunk” excuse.
   
4. You cannot fix his drinking by building up his self-esteem, raising awareness of his self-destruction, or loving him enough that he’ll change for you. All of his previous girlfriends have tried, and you are NOT better nor do you mean more to him than them. He will probably look to you as a rescuer, which will bolster your desire to help him, but his idea of a rescuer isn’t the same as yours. Instead of helping him, you will be one of his excuses for why his life isn’t so out of control. If he genuinely wanted to change, he would have started the process on his own.
   
5. Instead of competing against other women, your competition for his affection will be the invisible force of alcohol. His mistress has enticements no woman can match. The security you offer is substantial and real, but establishing it takes commitment and work from both of you. You will be willing and eager to face the trials which establish intimacy, but these are the very things he wishes to avoid. It is the trials of living from which he wishes to be rescued, and you cannot compete with alcohol in the effectiveness of accomplishing that task.

I was sucked into dating a drinker because I had never been around drinkers and didn’t know what I was dealing with until it was too late. There may be plenty of you who think you’ll never be naïve enough to fall for one, as I once believed. To those of you, I wish you the best of luck, but also a warning. This line of thinking makes you very vulnerable. During those crucial first days and weeks, you’ll be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Choosing to disregard those early warning signs will be your downfall. The truth is that most heavy drinkers are really great guys underneath, but they have so many invisible barriers around that part of themselves, you’ll never break through to reach it. Some of you may see your current situation in the words written here. I hope you will be inspired to acknowledge the destructive cycle you’re in and put a stop to it. Remember that if he isn’t doing his part to meet your needs, it isn’t a real relationship. Relationships require effort from both parties. He should be recharging your batteries, not draining them. You can’t fix him, but you can make positive changes in yourself. Do it.