Background: The Source of HeartBreak (SoHB) Part 1

I notice that I’ve been remiss in telling the whole story of the SoHB and why he is who he is. Let me correct that here.

We met four years ago, working at the same company but in different departments. I noticed him around. Thought he was kind of cute, but was interested in someone else at the time, and he had a girlfriend. As new employees, neither of us socialized much with co-workers, so our paths never crossed in that setting. Months passed. My crush on that other person developed, became serious, but was dashed once he realized how interested I really was. I was crushed… heartbroken. He dropped me like a dirty dish rag, without a word, and I had believed him to be a friend first. I always thought he cared enough about my feelings and respected my friendship enough that he would talk to me, tell me if I’d come to the wrong conclusion. Instead, I had to discover my loss slowly, and it wasn’t just the loss of a crush. I lost a friend, too. I was an emotional wreck. At precisely the same time, the SoHB had his own heartbreak. His girlfriend of two years dumped him. I remember him coming in to work one day with two black eyes. He had encountered her at a bar after the breakup and was so upset that he banged his head against the wall until this result.

I know. What a gleeming gem he is, right?

Not long after we had endured these respective traumas, our company asked us to work on a project together for that year’s conference. We both have theater backgrounds and were the obvious choices for putting together a little production. Thus, we were thrown together to plot and plan, toil and gripe. As the conference deadlines approached, we spent more time together. I thought I noticed something in his eyes… a spark of interest beyond work, beyond friendliness. It intrigued me. I thought him nice, but perhaps a bit too timid for my taste. On the other hand, there was The Flirt, with whom I became better acquainted through the SoHB. They worked in the same department and frequented the local bars together. He was tall, cocky, moderately attractive, and flirted deliciously. It’s all harmless, and one knows not to take it seriously, but he makes a girl feel noticed. I recall looking at the two of them standing side by side several times and wondering which one I would rather date.

A pivotal point came at a mutual friend’s wedding. She made a huge weekend-long event out of it with a party after the rehearsal dinner (everyone invited) and a massive sit-down dinner reception including all the alcohol you could want, a band, and a dance floor. It was the first time I spent socially with both the SoHB and The Flirt. I’ll never forget the SoHB taking me out on the dance floor near the end of the reception. I could almost feel his eyes burning into me. I was impressed by his apparent interest in me, but a little uncomfortable that I couldn’t return it… not to the degree given. (A little piece of irony is that much later I learned he doesn’t remember that night very well, and it is the only time I have ever seen him dance.)

After the wedding, we started socializing outside of work, but always in a group. There were four of us who hung out at the local pizza joint every Friday night, drinking beer and shooting the breeze. Sometimes, a few extra would join us. I never drank much before this point. Two or three times a year I would get drunk at a party. Otherwise, I would have the rare cocktail when out to dinner. Drinking was not a part of my lifestyle, and I didn’t want it to be. I loved hanging out with those guys, though. I finally acquired a taste for beer at the ripe old age of 29. In the meantime, the SoHB and I were also building up quite a rapport through IM. It was at the wedding I had made my decision. He was the one I wanted.

I was pleased to invite all of my new friends from work to a gay college friend’s Halloween party that year. He always gives great parties. They have a tendency of getting a little wild. The SoHB and The Flirt were among my guests. Everyone seemed to be intimidated initially, but ended up having fun. The Flirt had the dilemma of being hit on by gay guys, but he handled it superbly. In the end, the SoHB and I were nearly the only ones left standing. All of our friends had deserted us. It was then, as we stood out on the front porch of my friend’s house, that he kissed me. It was just like a routine I heard Chris Rock perform once. He kissed me mid-sentence. I had actually given up on it. I thought the moment had passed. We were a couple from then on. After our regular nights out with friends, he would walk me to my car and kiss me passionately. We would wait until the others were gone or unable to see. I was worried about dealing with office gossip if we were open about it initially. This went on for a couple of weeks. He was obviously interested. It wasn’t a fling. We never did anything more than kiss. I waited for him to ask me out on a date, but he never did. I finally asked him in an IM conversation when he was going to ask me out, so we then went on our first date.

By the end of January, I had begun having doubts. I went into the relationship knowing we were at opposite ends of the spectrum on vital issues. I’m a Christian who values faith as the most important element in my life. He’s a Jewish atheist who alters from denying God’s existence when sober to condemning God when drunk. I’ll admit I thought I could save him. He’s a political liberal. I’m conservative. One of my core values is conserving sex for marriage. He’s lived with a couple of girlfriends. (When he learned of my conviction, he downplayed it saying sex wasn’t that big of a deal… and he never pressured me in any way.) Never having been around much alcohol, I didn’t realize for a long time how much of a problem he has. I would also feel pangs of jealousy whenever he mentioned his most recent ex-. He didn’t want to go certain places because they had gone there, or he might see her there. I understood to an extent, but I also often felt as though her memory kept him from truly being with me. I couldn’t be too critical, however. My former crush often entered my mind, for he fit my ideal. When I compared the two guys, the SoHB always came up short. But the thing that really made me wary of him wasn’t any of the above. I was concerned about a lack of thoughtfulness that indicated to me a disinterest in me. He passed on several opportunities to meet my family. He passed on accompanying me to events where I needed his support. Valentine’s Day approached, which made me nervous. We had dated long enough to recognize the holiday, but I didn’t feel comfortable with any bold, romantic gestures. About a week beforehand, he asked what I wanted to do for it, but I was relieved to tell him that the company was sending me on the road. I acted disappointed, of course. Actually, I ended up getting the flu and couldn’t go anywhere. February 14th was nearly over when I realized that I hadn’t heard from the SoHB… no romantic gestures, no phone call, nothing. He didn’t even check on how I was feeling. That was the first time I ever cried over him.

Things never got any better, but I held on. Every time I determined that I should break it off, his rare gentleness would renew my hope. I tried distancing myself in order to gain some perspective, and he pulled away in turn. We hardly kissed anymore, but we lingered in this wasteland for months. I felt neglected and turned to The Flirt for attention, hoping it would inspire the SoHB to act. It was a childish tactic better left to high school hallways, but I wanted him to recognize I had options. I wanted him to counter The Flirt's attention to me by escalating his own. One night in late June, he finally reacted, storming out of the room when I showed The Flirt a little attention. I went after him, and we argued in the driveway until dawn. That’s when I did it. It was difficult, but I broke up with him.

One week later, I had to break up with him again. Turns out he was too drunk to remember the first time.

*** TO BE CONTINUED ***