Chili Cook-Off: The Anticlimax

I awoke early on the morning of Chili Cook-Off looking forward to the day. I even beat Rachel’s* wake up call, calling her instead. While getting ready, I listened to my self-made Over It CD, containing songs like “You’re No Good,” “Respect,” and “No More Drama.” I was rocking out to “You Better Be Good to Me” when Rachel arrived. I opened the door to find her rocking out on my stoop. Big Red soon showed up and we headed out to the cook-off.

We arrived as it opened, so I wasn’t worried about running into the SoHB immediately. There was no way he would be there that early. We visited Michael’s* booth first, then trolled around. There were surprisingly few impressive chilies. Most were too exotic to even taste like chili. As the day wore on, I became watchful for the SoHB. Jeri* arrived with her baby girl, but the SoHB wasn’t with her. In our phone conversation the previous night, The Flirt revealed that he planned on coming with the SoHB, but he arrived alone. When our group milled around a drinks stand near the gate, I couldn’t help scouring the incoming crowd for his face.

While we stood in that spot, my guitar friend and his new girlfriend found us. My pride being a bit wounded that he had a new girl, silly as that is, I hadn’t looked forward to seeing him, either. At least with the SoHB coming solo, and The Flirt’s girl getting stuck in Kentucky, it should be the only ego deflator of the day. We laughed as they recounted the steps he’d gone through to find us. My cell phone wasn’t working, so he had to call all over to get Rachel’s cell number, and he did all this from home because he refuses to get a cell phone himself. While telling their story, the new girl referred to my guitar friend as “honey.” I believe I literally cocked my head. “Honey” is an endearment seldom heard among unmarried couples or those who haven’t been together a while, at least. My guitar friend and I dated for as long as they’ve been together. I never thought to use any endearment with him, much less that one. It just seemed odd. Then, as we talked about the chilies we’d tried, including one containing alligator meat, we mentioned how that booth slapped us with stickers saying, “Tastes like chicken!” The guitar friend’s girl pipes up with, “Before chicken, what did they compare food to?” The entire group paused.

“Did she really just use that lame joke as her introduction?” I thought.

I looked over to my guitar friend wondering what he saw in this person. They seemed like such a mismatched pair. I looked back at her and took in her appearance. She was buxom; He must like that. In a group conversation wedged between our breakup and his meeting this girl, he confessed to liking large breasts. But her figure was a little heavy while my guitar friend is a slender man. I couldn’t see her eyes behind sunglasses, but she didn’t seem pretty. I looked back to my guitar friend wondering what he saw in her. She was friendly, but I couldn’t see any special appeal. Later, when Rachel and I walked by, she had her glasses off. Seeing her eyes didn’t change my impression. Rachel shortly said, “You know, she’s a cute girl, but she’s nowhere near as pretty as you.”

My thoughts were saying, “Cute?! She isn’t even cute. That’s being kind!” But, instead I said, “Thanks.” I was trying to keep the ‘humble yourself” attitude – on the outside, at least.

We saw a few acquaintances, also. Cheapskate and Brian*, friends of Michael, were there. They were ignorant of my dismissal at my company, so I had to explain that. We also saw Ally*, who had recently moved back to Mobile from Birmingham. The first thing Ally said to me after ‘Hello’ was, “Where’s the SoHB?”

“I don’t know. I have no idea,” I said as casually as possible. After a moment, I added, “We’re not speaking anymore, you know.”

“No!” she exclaimed. “What happened?”

“Long story,” I replied.

“Y’all were dating, weren’t you?”

“Well, no; Not really.”

“I heard he was dating a new girl.”

“Yeah. That has to do with it, but it’s a long story.”

I told her about pouring a drink on him, although I didn’t tell her details. She thought that was great. She said she’d always wanted to have the nerve to do that.

Our group was split as the Chili Cook-Off wound down. Rachel and I were on our own with Ally. We asked her to join us afterward, but she had other obligations. Someone called Rachel letting her know everyone had moved down to Haley’s. As soon as I heard ‘Haley’s,’ I knew that ‘everyone’ included the SoHB.

Rachel walked ahead of me into the bar, so she saw him before me. “The SoHB’s here,” she said in effort to forewarn me, but I knew.

He sat at the bar between The Flirt and an unknown woman. I didn’t think it was his girlfriend, but I couldn’t see her face. I had avoided alcohol all day, and was still apprehensive about drinking during such a ticklish situation, but decided I could take it easy.

Rachel and I sat at the bar staying on the fringes of the group, never moving near the middle where the SoHB was. The woman standing by him wasn’t his girlfriend, and she soon disappeared. I sensed his gaze long before allowing myself to look at him. Our eyes met and held. I offered a sad smile before looking away. This happened a few more times throughout the afternoon, his expression always sad. That was comforting.

I heard him laughing and speaking jovially with The Flirt who sat between us while I feigned indifference. I was dismayed by his laughter – by his enjoyment of the moment, but I knew he had to watch my joviality without participating as well. I hoped it made him long for me. I hoped that he was reminded of how he enjoyed my company.

Cheapskate was there and sat next to me. He yelled a smartass response to the SoHB as part of ongoing banter. I responded for Cheapskate’s ears only with something sarcastic. He looked at me, and I explained that the SoHB and I weren’t speaking anymore. He wanted to know what happened. I tried passing it off again as a long story, but he pressed for information. He asked if it had to do with his new girlfriend. I admitted that it did, saying that I’d tried talking to him about things, but he wouldn’t really talk to me about it.

“But, he’s weird,” Cheapskate stated.

I acknowledged the truth of that. I told him that we weren’t dating (There seemed to be some ambiguity in his mind as well.), but that didn’t stop him from sleeping over at my house on several occasions – and that the last occasion was even after he’d started seeing this girl.

“That is weird,” he responded.

Then, when I said something about this happening six months ago, he expressed confusion. He thought the SoHB started seeing this girl a year ago. I realized he mistakenly believed she was the same person the SoHB brought to my New Year’s Eve part a year ago. I was forced to run down the timeline of our relationship, beginning with how we dated for eight months before I broke up with him. I explained my reason for breaking up then was because I felt neglected. As an example, I told him about how the SoHB never called me his girlfriend, and after eight months as a couple, still has never referred to me as an ex-girlfriend.

“But, he’s weird,” Cheapskate repeated. I laughed. “Did you sleep with him?” he asked.

“No.”

“That’s why.”

“I don’t believe in it outside of marriage,” I clarified.

“I know – I know – You’re a good girl,” he said gently.

I found it oddly gratifying that he attributed my never being labeled a ‘girlfriend’ to our lack of a sexual relationship. I once threw that accusation at the SoHB during one of our early fights six months ago. He denied my allegation, saying we had simply never reached the point of being girlfriend/boyfriend. I want to take people at their word, especially people who have earned my trust, but I don’t think I ever fully believed him.

While I was trying to straighten out the sequence of events for Cheapskate, Big Red announced we were leaving. He was my ride, so I had to cut the story short. Cheapskate said he wanted to hear the rest, but there wasn’t time. I enjoyed having a sympathetic ear; Rachel enjoyed flirting with Brian, so we promised to return shortly since I didn’t live far away.

While walking out of Haley’s, Big Red stopped to go back for some reason. While waiting for him, I looked back and saw the SoHB standing alone and facing me from across the room, apparently watching me leave. I raised my hand as a silent goodbye. He raised his in return. Other than a few lingering glances, it was the only communication we shared all afternoon. I turned and walked out.

Rachel and I drove back to Haley’s after pit-stopping at my house. I looked forward to finishing my conversation with Cheapskate, but Haley’s was nearly deserted. We crossed the street to see if the guys went to Hero’s for food, and there they were. The SoHB stood at their table retrieving Cheapskate’s contact info. Once finished, he quickly left without looking at me.

Cheapskate asked where we left off in our story as soon as I sat. We reminded each other of the point where I stopped, but it wasn’t a conversation for the whole table. His attention span was impaired by alcohol, anyway. I thought there would be plenty of time to return to it later in the evening, but with there being only four of us, personal conversation wasn’t happening.

After Hero’s, the night ended up being a big bore. Cheapskate returned to his usual obnoxious, drunk personality. He pestered Rachel silly, and I hadn’t drunk enough to be amused. Dauphin St. didn’t provide any entertainment, so Rachel and I called it a night and were home by 10:30.

I don’t know what to think of the way the SoHB looked at me. I could easily read more into it than the remorse of a lost friend. The looks seemed to communicate longing and sorrow, or were those feeling only reflected from my own gaze? Could I have mistaken pity for longing? Or, if that was all he felt, would there be any evidence of it in his eyes? But if the longing I perceived there was real, why wasn’t it strong enough to draw him to me? I wish it had.


*=Names have been changed to protect those whom I like.