Mind Games: The Battle Within

On Monday following the Chili Cook-off – following those lingering glances and the wistful farewell – I still had not received any messages from the SoHB. It was disheartening; I was exasperated. I wrote a final message stating that I had approached him many times with a desire to make amends, but he was clearly disinterested in healing our rift. I asserted that I believed he would regret this decision, but trying to make him want what I want was futile. I said that I surrendered and wished him the best. Of course, there was no response. The next day I completely undermined myself by forwarding an article to him about the death of Hunter S. Thompson, since a favorite movie of his is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

While enduring the agony of awaiting an unlikely response, I was forced into new soul searching ... beginning with his soul. My mind churned in circles trying to make sense of his inconsistent behavior … trying to reason how he could look at me so longingly at Haley’s while doing nothing to reconcile. It made me dizzy. I put an end to it by making a list. Other than the obvious but unsatisfactory “he won’t reconcile because he doesn’t care” reason, what could make him keep his distance? I decided to list all the things I know about him – things I know from experience and not fear – that are irrespective of our circumstances.

• The SoHB avoids all risk.
  
• The SoHB avoids any and all conflict.
  
• The SoHB is immeasurably insecure.
  
• The SoHB has an immature attitude towards relationships.

I added these qualities together like a formula and concluded that he is a man who has conditioned himself to take risks in only a few compulsory circumstances in order to function, but who can otherwise be depended upon to always choose the path of least resistance. (And this particular man has to liquor up for most of those risks.)

So, what does this mean to me? Well, it could mean things like:

• If he had feelings for me, he wouldn’t act on them out of fear of looking foolish when I rejected him a second time. (You can use this looking back a year, six months, or two weeks.)
  
• If he longed to reconcile, he still wouldn’t risk being verbally “beaten up”’ in an argument. He wouldn’t risk being proven wrong or getting himself hurt.
  
• If he still has feelings for me, he would fear revealing too much presuming rejection.
  
• If he felt bad about anything that he did, he wouldn’t admit fault to avoid succumbing to more feelings of worthlessness.
  
• If he still has feelings for me, he won’t put them on the line for fear that things are beyond repair.
  
• If he still has feelings for me, he won’t pursue me because he believes relationships should fall in your lap and never be a struggle. And he won’t sacrifice the sure thing, no matter how rewarding something else might be.

Next came the “If/Then” statements:

• If these statements are true, then I wasn’t just thrown away.
  
• If these statements are true, then I have tried everything within reason to reach him.
  
• If these statements are true, then he is a child – incapable of sustaining and nurturing a relationship.
  
• If these statements are true, then the value I placed on tender moments wasn’t one-sided; He’s simply too afraid of admitting their value.
  
• If these statements are true, then I am capable of hurting him.
  
• If these statements are true, then I am not forgotten.
  
• If these statements are true, then he’s probably afraid of me – more afraid of me than I am of him.
  
• If these statements are true, then I don’t have a monopoly on being weak and vulnerable.

I felt more powerful after this exercise. I didn’t consider every conclusion to reveal absolute truth, but it humanized him and his behavior in my mind, forcing me to acknowledge that his personal weakness – his tragic flaw – caused the inconsistencies. He’s a master of self-destruction, so why wouldn’t he shoot himself in the foot where I‘m concerned? It was tempting to imagine how I might use this knowledge to gain a new foothold in his life and win back his affection, but I knew this wasn’t something I ultimately wanted.

A day after making my list I received a casual reply to my e-mail about Hunter S. Thompson. The tone of his message was conversational, implying a desire to correspond, contingent upon never mentioning the trauma of our broken relationship, of course. It appeared my conclusions were correct. I was encouraged by his e-mail, but didn’t respond. I decided to keep my distance as I had originally resolved.

It helped that during this time I had a lunch with Ally* where I regaled her with the story of our estrangement. She expressed shock and disgust in all the appropriate places, and agreed with my assertion that by his choices one can see the SoHB doesn’t want a real relationship. Despite saying he wants a soul mate, his actions contradict that desire. My storytelling probably overstepped the bounds of politeness. I later realized that it was the only full disclosure conversation I’d had with anyone familiar with both the SoHB and me except for Rachel*. I had desperately needed that release, and walked away feeling much better. Not only did I get things off my chest (playing a little PR, too, as I hoped she would share my tale with Jeri*), but it was a nice start to a new friendship.

Later in the week, I had another encouraging conversation with my parents, especially Dad. He made a spontaneous, comforting remark, saying, “The SoHB has a problem, and he will make any girl miserable that ends up with him.” This was something I knew except when self-doubt and self-pity interfered. I always hid the excessive drinking from my conservative Baptist parents, so his opinion was based on the SoHB’s inability to handle his fears. He agreed that the SoHB was afraid of me – afraid of being “beaten up” in an argument – afraid that he couldn’t measure up to my accomplishments. I left their house feeling much lighter. It was early evening on Friday – Patch’s birthday. I had wrestled all day with the choice of joining him in birthday plans, knowing they were bound to include the SoHB and probably his girlfriend. I feared how I might handle the situation, but also felt an urge to test myself. How strong was I? and regarding my new theories about him – my old theories about him and her – how close was I to the bull’s eye?

* = Names have been changed to protect those whom I like.