The Problem of "IF"

If only . . . If only I could eliminate the “if only.” The pain won’t release. The doubts won’t resolve. The comfort won’t arrive. I keep thinking, “if only he would validate the truth I know . . . if only he would show me the deep feeling he still possesses for me . . . if only he would demonstrate his regret at having made the wrong choice.” My heart is tortured with dreams of the impossible. Can I possibly cry enough to purge this agony? Added to this grief is the knowledge that I grieve alone. He does not share my remorse. How this is possible, I cannot tell. His heart spoke to me. His dilemma was plain before my eyes, but now he refuses to acknowledge all that I know to be true. I didn’t imagine the emotion he felt for me, but he was faced with a choice. And when he was torn between his feelings for me and his selfish desires, he chose to deny his feelings. This is the inconsolable source of my grief. It was no small slight. Believing myself to have value beyond his desires, I allowed myself to feel secure. I trusted him to protect the bond I knew us both to cherish. Afterward, I believed the loss of that bond would spiral him into unbearable regret. His grief would contaminate his new relationship. His feeling for me would haunt him with unanswered questions as to what was truly lost. I am a romantic. I may be dramatic. Perhaps it’s unreasonable to dream of such things, but this is how it should have been . . . if only.